背影｜bACK

背影｜bACK

有些牽絆是一輩子的。
Some bONDS are for lIFETIME.

朱自清（一八九八年十一月廿二日至一九四八年八月十二日，著名現代詩人、散文作家及學者）－《背影》（一九二五年）：
Zhu Ziqing (November 22, 1898 – August 12, 1948, famous modern poet, proseist, essayist and scholar) – “Back” (1925):

我與父親不相見已二年余了，我最不能忘記的是他的背影。那年冬天，祖母死了，父親的差使也交卸了，正是禍不單行的日子，我從北京到徐州，打算跟著父親奔喪回家。到徐州見著父親，看見滿院狼藉的東西，又想起祖母，不禁簌簌地流下眼淚。父親說，「事已如此，不必難過，好在天無絕人之路！」
I have not seen my father for more than two years, the most I can not fORGET is his bACK. That winter, my grandmother died and my father’s work was also dismissed, it was the time of misfortunes, I went from Beijing to Xuzhou and planned to hasten home for the funeral with my father. When I saw my father in Xuzhou, the mess in courtyard and thought of my grandmother, my tears streamed down. My father said, “Things hAPPENED, do not be sad, fortunately, there’s nO dEAD eND*₁.”

回家變賣典質，父親還了虧空；又借錢辦了喪事。這些日子，家中光景很是慘淡，一半為了喪事，一半為了父親賦閑。喪事完畢，父親要到南京謀事，我也要回北京念書，我們便同行。
We sold and pawned things after getting home, father paid debts, also borrowed money for the funeral. These days, home was so dISMAL, half because of grandmother’s funeral, and half because of father’s idleness. After the funeral was over, my father wanted to go to Nanjing for job and I had to go back to Beijing for study, therefore we went together.

到南京時，有朋友約去遊逛，勾留了一日；第二日上午便須渡江到浦口，下午上車北去。父親因為事忙，本已說定不送我，叫旅館里一個熟識的茶房陪我同去。他再三囑咐茶房，甚是仔細。但他終於不放心，怕茶房不妥帖；頗躊躇了一會。其實我那年已二十歲，北京已來往過兩三次，是沒有甚麼要緊的了。他躊躇了一會，終於決定還是自己送我去。我兩三回勸他不必去；他只說，「不要緊，他們去不好！」
When I arrived in Nanjing, friends asked me to hang around, so I stayed for a day. The next morning, I had to cross the river to Pukou and in the afternoon headed north by train. Due to my father’s busyness, father had already said that he would not come to see me off and asked a steward he knows from the guesthouse to go with me. He repeatedly urged the steward very carefully. Still he was wORRIED and aFRAID that the steward would not do properly; he seemed to hesitate for a while. Actually I was already 20 years old that year and had travelled back and forth Beijing two/ three times, that was nothing serious. He hesitated for another moment, finally decided to send me off himself. I persuaded him two/ three times not to go, he just said, “It’s fINE, they will not do well!”

我們過了江，進了車站。我買票，他忙著照看行李。行李太多了，得向腳夫行些小費，才可過去。他便又忙著和他們講價錢。我那時真是聰明過分，總覺他說話不大漂亮，非自己插嘴不可。但他終於講定了價錢；就送我上車。他給我揀定了靠車門的一張椅子；我將他給我做的紫毛大衣鋪好坐位。他囑我路上小心，夜裡警醒些，不要受涼。又囑託茶房好好照應我。我心裡暗笑他的迂；他們只認得錢，托他們直是白托！而且我這樣大年紀的人，難道還不能料理自己么？唉，我現在想想，那時真是太聰明了！
We crossed the river and entered the railway station. I went to buy a ticket, while he was busy taking care of the luggage. There was too much luggage, we had to tip the porters a bit in order to pass. He was busy again bargaining with them. I was such a smart arse, always thought that he could not speak beautifully, that I had to interrupt. However he finally set the price, then sent me to the train. He picked a seat next to the door for me; I spread the purple wool coat, which he had made for me, on the seat. He tOLD me to be careful on the way, be watchful at night and do not catch cold. Also he entrusted the attendants to take good care of me. I laughed about him being pEDANTIC in my heart; they only know about the money, it’s useless to entrust them! And I am such a big man, am I not able to look after myself? Ahh, as I think back now, I was too sMART at that time!

我說道，「爸爸，你走吧。」他望車外看了看，說，「我買幾個橘子去。你就在此地，不要走動。」我看那邊月台的柵欄外有幾個賣東西的等著顧客。走到那邊月台，須穿過鐵道，須跳下去又爬上去。父親是一個胖子，走過去自然要費事些。我本來要去的，他不肯，只好讓他去。我看見他戴著黑布小帽，穿著黑布大馬褂，深青布棉袍，蹣跚地走到鐵道邊，慢慢探身下去，尚不大難。可是他穿過鐵道，要爬上那邊月台，就不容易了。他用兩手攀著上面，兩腳再向上縮；他肥胖的身子向左微傾，顯出努力的樣子。這時我看見他的背影，我的淚很快地流下來了。我趕緊拭乾了淚，怕他看見，也怕別人看見。我再向外看時，他已抱了朱紅的橘子望回走了。過鐵道時，他先將橘子散放在地上，自己慢慢爬下，再抱起橘子走。到這邊時，我趕緊去攙他。他和我走到車上，將橘子一股腦兒放在我的皮大衣上。於是撲撲衣上的泥土，心裡很輕鬆似的，過一會說，「我走了；到那邊來信！」我望著他走出去。他走了幾步，回過頭看見我，說，「進去吧，裡邊沒人。」等他的背影混入來來往往的人里，再找不著了，我便進來坐下，我的眼淚又來了。
I said, “Dad, you can go.” He looked out of the train and said, “I go get some tANGERINES, you stay here, do not move.” I looked outside of the fence of the other side of the platform, there were several vendors waiting for customers. To reach the other side of the platform, one must go through the railway, jump down and climb up. Father is a fat man, it naturally gave him more difficulty. I wanted to go, he refused, I had to let him go. I saw him with black cap, wearing black long gown, dark blue cotton quilted robe, toddled to the side of the railway, slowly went downward, it was not so dIFFICULT. However after he crossed the railway, then climbed over the platform, that was not eASY. He climbed up with both hands and then lifted his feet up ; his fat body tilted slightly to the left, this showed his eFFORT. I saw his bACK at this time, my tears flowed quickly. I immediately wiped off my tears, afraid that he would see, but also afraid of the others. When I looked out again, he was already on the way back holding the red tangerines. When crossing the railway, he first left the tangerines on the ground loosely, slowly climbed down, then picked up the tangerines and walked again. When he got here, I hurried to help him. He and I walked onto the train and put the tangerines on my leather coat. He then patted the dirt off the clothes and seemed relaxed, after a while, said, “I’m gone; write me when you get there!” I watched him lEAVE. He walked a few steps, looked back and saw me, said, “Go inside, there’s no one inside.” I waited until his back mingled with the people coming and going, I could not find him anymore, I then came back and sat down, my tEARS came again.

近幾年來，父親和我都是東奔西走，家中光景是一日不如一日。他少年出外謀生，獨力支持，做了許多大事。那知老境卻如此頹唐！他觸目傷懷，自然不能自已。郁於中，自然要之於外；家庭瑣屑便往往觸他之怒。他待我漸漸不同往日。但最近兩年的不見，他終於忘卻我的不好，只是惦記著我，惦記著我的兒子。我北來后，他寫了一信給我，信中說道，「我身體平安，惟膀子疼痛利害，舉箸提筆，諸多不便，大約大去之期不遠矣。」我讀到此處，在晶瑩的淚光中，又看見那肥胖的，青布棉袍，黑布馬褂的背影。唉！我不知何時再能與他相見！
In recent years, both my father and I have been running around, home is getting worse by day. He had to work for a living when he was young, sustained alone and has done a lot of big things. Who would have expected his old age would be so mISERABLE! mEMORIES pain his heart, he can not control his own. dEPRESSIONS in his heart, it naturally shows; he can be angry about small things from family. He treated me not as it used to be with time. In the last two years, however, he has fORGOTTEN my bads, only mISSES me, misses my son. After I returned north, he wrote me and said in the letter: “I am in gOOD health, I just feel much pAIN in my arms, so inconvenient to lift a pen, it is not far from the date of dEATH.” I read till here, in my crystal tears, I see a fat, blue cotton quilted robe and black long gown, bACK again. Ahh! I do not know when I will see him aGAIN!

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nOTES:
*₁:: An idiom, means “There’s always a way out”.